Balancing logic and longing has been a bit of a lifelong issue for me.
Raised by my teenage mother and her similarly aged friend group, I spent my toddler years talking to stoned teenagers rather than other kids my age. As a result, I developed a varied vocabulary and an unusually astute view of the world from a very young age. I was what people liked to call an 'old soul,' but what they probably meant was 'slightly traumatized.' (I added the slightly to make it seem less depressing, did it work?)
Growing up, I watched people around me follow their 'longings' without a second thought, and honestly, they all seemed miserable. I determined I would NOT let that happen to me when the answer to everything was so clearly 'logic'... right? Just take the time to think things out rationally. But I've started to think I've let logic carry me too far. Let too many opportunities pass me by because they were scary, or because I couldn't see the exact outcome.
When I think back on some of the major decisions where I let logic win over longing, I can't help but picture how different things could be now and wonder how different I might feel.
• Choosing to go to a college closer to home because logically, family might need me on short notice. And, it really had the same stats and prestige as the dream college 10 hours further away.
• Switching majors from music because being a professional pit orchestra performer is too unlikely a pipe dream.
• Forgiving because it made sense to be the bigger person and just move on, rather than acknowledging how much it still hurt.
• Spending almost two years (it was only supposed to be one, yay Army) separated from my husband because it made the most financial sense at the time.
And these are just the ones I'm willing to admit to strangers. My point is, I have spent my whole life making decisions based on what is 'logical' no matter how it leaves me feeling inside, and I am done with that. It's time to let my longings lead.
For too long, I have allowed logic to dictate my choices, often at the expense of my true desires. I grew up believing that following your heart led to misery, but I'm beginning to realize that denying your heart can be just as detrimental. It's not about disregarding logic altogether but about finding a balance that allows both head and heart to coexist.
As I continue this journey, I am learning to embrace the uncertainty that comes with pursuing my passions and dreams. It’s a delicate dance, but one that promises a richer, more fulfilling life. After all, "what matters more than that which makes my pulse quicken and my mind race? Than that which sends my fingers flying over keys in inspiration?"
It’s time to rewrite my script, to allow longing a seat at the decision-making table. It's time to let my longings lead.